3-11-04

Racquetball racket he smashed: $150
Lock he broke on the therapist's door: $95
Knowing that no matter how many classes I fail, I will never live up to my brother's disappointment: Priceless

3-9-04

I'm dressed all in blue,
and I'm remembering you...

Have you ever wished you had the perfect last words? The last word you said to your friend before they left your life forever? Words that give a glimspe into what it is that you're giving up? Nothing's ever like the movies. No one knows just what to say. We all make stupid comments we will forever regret. We're all going to kick ourselves for saying one thing or another. It's envitable. But if you had to capture an entire relationship in just a few words, what would you say? Would you know exactly what you wanted to say? Would you have a planned out speech? Did you spend hours practicing it in front of the mirror? Who knows, maybe "goodbye"'s not as bad as it sounds. Maybe it's exactly what you wanted to say, but you never could. Maybe it really is the best word to describe how you're feeling.

3-8-04 "Long answers to short questions."

Okay, so at the moment I'm not exactly in the mood to recap my entire day. Mostly because it was boring, partly because it sucked, and kind of because I can't really remember it all. So I'll just fill you in with the highlights. The parts of the day that made it all seem less like it sucked and more like it blowed. It's like watching a baseball game, and having your favorite team lose, but the guy in the stands who fell over the rail trying to catch a foul ball and impaled himself on a hot dog vendor, he just cracked you up. Anyway... This morning was all about the positive. And by positive I mean positively insane and slightly deranged. For some completely unknown reason, Michelle thinks that fetish is a type of vegetable. Go figure. Personally, I'm glad I don't pride myself on inhaling the necessary amount of leafy greens recommended by 4 out of 5 diet specialists. No, I'm sorry, that's dentists, and their appreciation for Trident. Yes, well, I guess we might as well move on, because in the time it took you to read that you're probably half bored off your ass. Thank glad I stopped that tirade before you were fully off your ass. So, let us move on to English class. That's right, where every day begins with a lecture on Mormonism, and every question begins with an answer. Today Ms. Fish took the extreme pleasure of discussing with us, her marital status, her religion, and of course, the reason why we should all sell our souls and become Mormons. No, actually, she was lamenting about her younger brother's upcoming wedding, and we asked as many questions as possible to see just how far off track we could get. How far you ask? So far that I now know that not everyone can entire a Mormon temple, only Mormons can, and only if you've discussed it with your bishop. Don't you see how useful that knowledge will be in later life? I bet you $5 that one day, some day, I will be playing Trivial Pursuit, and a question will come up about the rules and regulations of a Mormon temple. Of course, this will be after the Mormons take over the planet and force us all to participate in weekly animal slaughters. Goodbye Mr. Moo. One last question though, got milk?

Moving on, with the ability to move on that very little people actually have (that's right, I swear to god, they're about a foot tall), we cross into the Twilight Zone, also known as Chemistry class. Where balloons float upside down and Mr. Krywy is as straight as his shirts lead us to believe. Today in class some girl had put her purse on Mr. K's "area" (please get your minds out of the gutter and onto the sidewalk people, I'm talking about his desk thingy), and Megan raised her hand in class while he was giving his "lecture". Mr. K kind of looked at her, and when she wouldn't put her hand down, he finally called on her. So of course, Megan, being as dumb as one can be in situations that involve sexual orientation, politely asked Mr. K if, in fact, that was his purse. See now, the silly thing is that he never said no. Anyway, later in class she complained that he wouldn't let her use the phone to call her mom, and I had to tell her, politely of course, that maybe the reason he won't let you use the phone is you asked him about the purse. I'm just taking a guess here folks, but I think that's what it was.

Anyway, that's all that really happened today. Well, there was some stuff after school. But do you really care? If you had it your way you would have stopped reading a long time ago. But you couldn't, could you? What I have to say is just so goddamn entertaining and exciting that you just can't help yourself, can you? Okay, to finally put an end to this monstrosity, let me list the gross and just plan icky things that I witnessed today. 1. Steven and Rosemary making out. For small children and old people everywhere, please find a cave. You think other couples do that? No, they find dark secluded corners, and then stick their tongues down each other's throats. It's common courtesy folks. God, I know that's a line from a movie, but I can't think of which one. If it comes to me later I will tell you. 2. Erica and her boyfriend Steve. Possibly the sickest couple in history. Ever. Period. I mean, come on. I almost feel sorry for her. Who ever gave her the impression that Steve should be treated with any kind of respect? In Trig we lock him out of the classroom just for fun. And when Mr. Cooley isn't looking? Evan writes deliciously horrible things about him while playing with the calculator that's hooked up to the TV. It's probably Evan's only saving grace. His utter disdain for Steve. I can't stand either of them. But if I could only kill one, it'd be Steve. I'd be doing the world a favor. I'd be doing it even more of a favor if I could kill both of them, but you have to choose your battles. 3. Lastly, I can't remember what the other icky thing I saw today was. But I can guarantee that it was most positively icky. No, beyond icky. It was far past plain old icky. It was super icky. No, it was uber icky! I'm scarred for life. Perhaps it was just so icky that I've suppressed any and all memory of it. Hm.. it certainly makes you wonder about my mental health. But if that's all that did it for you then I suggest you read the rest of my ramblings. You'll want to lock me up after that.

Nui aloha a ki'i ola!

3-4-04

I'm a fuckin' idiot. Enough said.

3-4-04 "HC"

Totally HC right now because Jennifer tuned my guitar. It's not quite perfect, but it's not completely horrible anymore. I mean, when I used to play, it sounded like I was throwing a bag of cats against a wall. And now it sounds like I'm only throwing one cat. It's amazing how different it sounds. Oh well, I've got to get back to practicing. At the moment I can play the first 4 notes of Michelle Branch's All You Want, and pretty much all of New Found Glory's Boy Crazy. AHHH! I'm HCing off the walls. Nui aloha!

3-2-04

This one goes out to someone who's not with us at the moment. Happy Birthday Christie.

3-1-04

Okay, so today's theme just seems to be "getting things out in the open," so that's what we're going to explore today. And let me just start out my saying, that this is my journal. It is supposed to contain my inner-most thoughts, and things that I don't share with other people. If you'd rather not read them, because of personal reasons, or you don't have the time. Please stop reading now. I can't explain why I write this stuff here. I think part of me wants to be able to share my opinions with the world, part of me is embarassed by them, and part of me wants people to read this, so that they know how I feel and I don't have to tell them to their face. It just saves me a lot of pain. And I think we could all do without that in our lives.

I've just got some things that need to be said, no matter how much they hurt me, or the people around me. First off, I'd like to be angry at my watch, for not showing the correct date. Thanks to the oddity that is Leap Day, my watch thinks its March 2. Go figure. I've been writing all my dates wrong today. Second, I don't really know how to say this, so I might as well just jump right in. Also, whatever I say, I don't think I would ever tell these things to anyone, I'd rather bottle them up inside till I have a breakdown such as this, and then tell them to myself while I have a good cry. But, getting back to the subject, Lauren, I don't know what's with me, but I feel like I'm being a bad friend to you. And to everyone really. I know it sounds weird, but I can just look into people's eyes and know that listening to me talk pains them. I know I've felt that way before. And I'm sorry to anyone I've ever felt that way about. I don't mean to do it, and I regret it, because I should never, ever feel that way. And I try my best not to make other people feel that way, but I can't help it. So, I'm sorry. Officially.

And Chris, I know I shouldn't be saying this, or thinking this, and I know that you won't ever read this, so part of me feels safe about that, but it needs to be said. You once asked me why I wrote that "I wish things were different." I never gave you an answer, because I was way too embarassed to. I wish that some things between us were different. I wish you didn't have a girlfriend, and I wish that you didn't have such amazing and wonderful friends who make you feel happy and cared for. I wish I could be that person for you, because lately I've been lacking that outlet for emotion and friendship. Sure, I sound crazy... and like some weird stalker who wants you all for myself, and frankly, I feel ashamed of that. But what sounds more crazy is that I used to like you. I used to feel something towards you, and now I don't. And I want so much to be able to feel that way again. Because I don't just lack that emotion, I lack them all. I can't feel happy, I can't even feel depressed. I have lost all of my emotions. That has to be what scares me the most.

I'm sorry for what I've said. I can't apologize enough. But I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. And if some of you don't want to speak to me after what I've said, that's completely understandable. It's not like it hasn't happened before. And if anyone feels sorry for me, please don't. I don't need pity. That only makes me feel worse. It makes me feel horrible for making you feel sorry for me.

P.S. Lord of the Rings should not have won any Oscars. Absolutely none. Long live Sofia!