5/28/04 "This is the last one people, ration it."

Okay, so... today. Today was... well today was not bad. It was not great, but it was not bad. It's funny how those things work out. Anyway, overall today was okay. Except we had to watch The Return of the King in Film Study and I almost died. Why?! Honestly! Why on earth would anyone pay to watch this movie? Why would they even watch it in the first place? I swear, when I take over the world anyone who even thinks about seeing this movie will get a nice little shock. That's right, I'm handing out dog collars. Except instead of "Don't pee on the couch," it'll be "Don't ever watch Lord of the Rings." Ah, someday...

Yeah, so anyway, this weekend will not be good. It will be absolutely horrible. I swear, nothing good will happen this weekend. I honestly just feel so left out when people are blabbing on and on about how they went out to dinner at a restaurant, or they went bowling, or they saw a movie, or they just hung out. I never do any of those things. I sit in my room and wish I could do those things, but I can't. Why you ask? Because I'm such a freaking spaz that no one will ask me to do those things. They'll all get together, and someone will say, "Should we bring Rachel?" and someone else will say, "Nah, she's a total spaz." I bet you someone's saying it right now. I wish I had a somewhat outgoing lifestyle. I think we should all take a minute to pause in deep shock that Rachel has never been to a party. I mean, sure, a birthday party, and my parent's friend's New Year's Eve party, and maybe a BBQ once every millenium, but never a real party. I've never even seen a keg in person. I feel so deprived that no one has even asked me to do drugs. I mean, I'd say no, but I'd just like to be asked once in a while. Just to feel included you know? How sad is it that I want peer pressure in my life? I mean, I sort of wish I had outgoing friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, they are my favorite people in the entire world, but I'd like to have an outgoing, weirdo, drunk-off-their-ass friend. If only everyone I knew wasn't so perfect. You need flaws people!

Yeah, so you stopped caring a while ago... Oh, and on that note, this just might be the last time I update this page. It just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who reads this. I think my life is actually better when I don't update. I swear, all those months I didn't say a thing, I was having a blast. I think self-reflection really fucks people up. We all need to be completely confused about ourselves. Jennifer(God) was right, we think way too much. More than anyone else.

5/27/04

Well, I had everything I wanted to say today worked out. I was in this perfect Zen-like trance and everything just seemed to flow naturally and I was relaxed. And then my family came home. Honestly, I had some really important points to make, and now I can't even remember what they are because the second they walked in the door I just became so frustrated I couldn't remember. Something about mix tapes I think. The one thing that continues to stick with me though, is the book that Katharine let me borrow today. It's just absolutely amazing, I love it. It's so poetic without trying to be and I feel so connected to the main character. Of course I do a double take when I stop and remember that it's all fiction. It's just so lifelike, so flawed and ridiculous enough to be true. And just from remembering this book I've almost got the Zen back. But I've lost the will to take a bubble bath and listen to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.

Oh, by the by, won't be at school tomorrow morning, I've got a dentist appointment. Should be in sometime though. Probably not till after flex though. Krywy and The Spinster? No thanks.

5/26/04

Hey, so today was good. At the momment it seems sort of surreal though. Like everything that happened today is an amalgam of high school stereotypes and television portrayals, each one outfitted with bad 80's hair, and I'm living it. And goddamn it, I like it!

Honestly, I'd tell you what happened today, but it's almost too much to describe right now. It was just that good.

When I wake up in the morning...

5/24/04 "Happy One Year!"



Okay, so I was going through the site, cleaning it up, fixing things, updating and such, moving crap out of the way, and as I was updating the Archives page I realized that today is this site's one year anniversary. So go me! And thank you to all the people who continued to read this, no matter how boring and stupid it got, and for giving me a reason to keep this site going. It has been really interesting to go back and read what I was thinking this time last year, and how I've changed so much in one year. I mean, back then I used to be funny! Now look at me, stalling for time while trying to think of the perfect thing to say to commemorate this day. Not only is today a very important anniversary, but it has been a good day. No, a great day. And looking back, I haven't had one of those in a really long time. So, (picks up bottle of sparkling cider) here's to today, the 24th day of May! I apologize for any cringing that I may have caused through my accidental rhyming.

- Rachel

5-22-04

I hate this time of the year. I have way too much time to think. I have no one to hang out with, there are too many hours of daylight, my brother has friends over, and they're tearing apart the house and watching Cops: Bad Girls. I don't ever want to think again. I'm never going to look before I leap. If I happen to leap off a cliff, so what? At least I did it. No regret, no wishing I had jumped off a cliff earlier in life. From now on, everything is a cliff, and I've just got to take the first step.

P.S. Still hating boys. And will be until I find one that is funny, sweet, marginally attractive, and single. Or maybe I should be looking at marital status first. I seriously doubt I could ever break up two people. Well, I can, but only when I'm trying to get them together. Cliffs are really, really high off the ground right? I've got to take this parachute off...

5-18-04

I hate ALL boys. They all need to stop being so damn funny and cute. GRRR... How is someone supposed to get over you when you won't let them?!?

5-9-04

Okay, just thought I would share this. I had just finished watching Everwood because I missed it last Monday, and the previews for tomorrow's episode came on and there's this scene where Madison goes to Dr. Brown and asks him for help. Now, I'm pretty sure she's pregnant, and it's Ephram's baby, but my dad doesn't think so. Then my brother's like, it can't be Ephram's, they didn't have sex. Well, yes, yes they did. He looks at me and he's like, no they didn't, they didn't take all their clothes off. I fell over laughing. I'm also glad my brother doesn't know everything about sex. It makes life more interesting.

5-4-04

Not quite sure exactly why I'm updating, seeing as it's been so long since I have. But I just felt like saying something. Screaming out to the world. I had a good day. It wasn't conventional great, but it was nice in a weird way. This morning was nice. I actually had fun with my mom. Shocking I know, but still. Lots of fun with four headed Chiuauas and lesbians. Good stuff. The lasting memories you know? This afternoon I came home and I watched Serendipity, which is such a cute movie, and I love how it's about fate. I kind of sort of believe in fate, but even if I didn't, it really is a nice belief. Not like God or any of that bullshit. 'Cause God isn't goin' to find me a man is he? I also love that movie because I just absolutely love John Cusack. I mean, he's no Brad Pitt, but you can't help but love him. His characters aren't cocky and egotistical, they're sensitive, and sweet, and intelligent. I swear, anyone who lusts after Ashton Kutcher has no idea what they're missing. Yeah, so after watching that I went outside and cut a branch off one of the azaleas out there and put it in the vase I got from IKEA. Anyway... I also had a good time at Joan's. We were talking about myths and stuff this session. Which was kind of cool, because, believe it or not, some of the stuff Mrs. Morgan taught me actually stuck. Yeah, so maybe it is unbelievable. Yeah, but that was cool. And then I came home, I had chicken for dinner and watched Gilmore Girls. Honestly, it doesn't matter what sucks in my life, Gilmore Girls makes it better. It forces me to jump around and be happy. On another note, I've almost nailed the opening of the Something Corporate song that Jennifer was teaching me. I feel really proud of myself too, because no one ever taught me to play the piano, and now I can. And it's not "Chopsticks" or something lame like that, it's actual music. Speaking of music, I know it's a bit dated but have you ever heard the song "Roll To Me" by Del Amitri? It just makes me happy. It's very poppy. Very 80's. Very fun. I really like that feeling.