11-06-03 "A heart-wrenching rendition of Cats"

You know, I just felt like updating this for no reason whatsoever. And I'd go back and tell you all about what has happened to me since the last time I wrote something, but I either can't remember it or don't feel that it's awfully important. And I'm pretty certain that nothing in my life is interesting enough to devote an entire entry to it. So anyway, at the moment I'm listening to "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper, and I know it's a happy song and all, but I just don't feel happy. I mean, like two seconds ago I was bouncing around to "Stacy's Mom", and know I barely register an emotion. How is that? I hate how I can change emotions or completely lose them without knowing why. Oh, and for those of you playing the at home version, hate is haat in Dutch. Thanks is kittos, but I can't seem to think of anyone to thank. I really mean it. Normally I'd thank someone for at least being there or having been there or just existing really. Nothing seems to be important at the moment. At this point I'd probably be stressing over my homework. I can't even remember what I have to do. It's so weird. I mean it. I feel nothing. I'm like about to crash, emotionally that is. I've got a couple more months before I can endanger others on the road. Just you watch out! You know, I sort of feel like I just got smacked in the face. Like I finally woke up or something. Like it's all clear now. Except everything is still blurry. Oh, mental note, go listen to "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd. Oh, and I know it's supposed to be a mental note, but at the moment I really can't remember anything, so this is just a safety precaution. That's right, be safe! I've lost it all.

11-07-03 "It makes less sense than usual."

Bored off my ass. And I don't mean that literally, I'm sitting down. But whatever. Do you know how many people at our school do drugs? Honestly, the numbers are shocking! And so are the stories. I was listening to these two girls in my Chemistry class talk about tripping on acid. Now, my first question is, where did they get acid? My second question is, where the hell are your parents?!? I know I sound like such a dork, but honestly. I can understand drinking, I really can. Sometimes I just want to forget it all and get wasted, but then you know what happens, my parents come home. So, where are yours? Check everywhere! I mean it. If you don't go look right now or I will hunt you down. You know I can. I will jump right out of the monitor and... well, I'll... I'll do something. And you know it's gonna be bad. I know you know it. And you know I know that you know. And if you make me go on I will try as hard as I can to think of something to do to you. You know I will. And I know you know I will. Just go look, damn it! I'm waiting... Are you back yet? You're probably too afraid to come back now, aren't you? I thought so. My awesome butt-kickin' powers are too much for you. Chicken! You know... chicken sounds good right about now... You heard me!

Pointless as always.

11-9-03 "Beer and boats just don't mix..."

Okay, I actually went online this morning. I know what you're all thinking. Shocking, isn't it? But I'm glad I did. Because if I hadn't I wouldn't have talked to Sarah, or discussed Kyle's whore status, or gotten drunk and bought a boat with Chris, which we then crashed into an iceberg. So you can see why I might spent more time online now, because so many things happen. Sometimes they're imaginery, and as confused as a dog looking for a place to pee, but gosh darn it, they're fun! So today let's all take a little time out of our hectic non-existence, and talk to someone online today. An old friend, a whore, a psychotic monkey, anyone. Just say hi, and spread the love.

Wow, okay, disregard all of that. Clearly I still have a hangover after my boating accident.

11-11-03 "Sorry, but it needs to be said."

Let's see, now I was going to tell you a really funny story and mistaken identities, but you're just going to have to wait. Because I feel to sad to tell that story. So sad, that I really have no one to walk to about it. It's sort of a guy thing, and I'd talk to Lauren about it, but it's not really something we talk about. And under such circumstances, I'd talk to Sarah, but you see, Sarah's got a guy. And as much as I don't like to admit it, I kind of sort of like the same guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not boyfriend stealing material. And I only kind of sort of like him. Not even enough to want to make out with him. Partly because I don't know him that well, and partly because I don't want to be his girlfriend. I want to be his friend. "Just a friend," as the saying goes. And then I look at him, and I can see that he's already got friends. Plenty of them. People who he can talk to and never feel uncomfortable. I always feel uncomfortable. Even around people I've known for a long time. I always feel like I'm going to do something stupid. I want someone who's just going to go along with it, not point it out. Someone who gets just as confused as I do. A lot of things have changed this year. I'm without a friend like that. I'm without a guy friend. I've always had a guy best friend in my life. It was instilled in me at birth. I can't even remember not having one. And now I'm missing that guy. Bret and I don't talk. Kyle's out in Colorado. Andrew and I haven't spoken in years (and until he gets a haircut, we probably never will.) I don't think Chris even remembers my name. So you can see my predicament, can't you? Yeah, I didn't think so. Things that try to make sense to me aren't even coherent with someone else. I never could get the words out.

11-20-03

Sorry guys, no title today. Although if I wanted I could have written "Unknown," or... "Don't give me crap because you think everything needs a title. Yeah, you heard me biatch!" See, it's just better this way. This way being without a title. And without angry words that are completely uncalled for. Unless you did something I don't know about. And you better tell me now because you know I will find out. I have connections. Yeah, you heard me biatch! See, those words are completely called for. Anyway, I'm sorry, but I need to interrupt this thought with an "anyway." Don't you just love how many things are in quotes today? I think I should just walk around using air quotes with every word I say. Not only would it be amusing, but you would also get your recommended daily dosage of tacky air quotes. See, I worry about your health! I swear, the next person who comes up to me and starts complaining that I elbowed them in the throat, I'll just point towards you and tell them to admire your health. Because we all really should admire it. Especially since that guy was carrying a gun and is probably not very fond of being unable to breathe. And clearly you won't be around for much longer, well, not in a healthy state at least, so we should really treasure things before their gone.

Okay, and now I'd like to move on a bit, to a little game I call, "How many?" That's right, come on down, and let's play the Price is Right! Oops, sorry. Wrong show. I really need to quit my day job. Anyway, let's begin. To start off, Tom, can I call you Tom? Great, Tom, how many M&Ms are in the standard size bag of M&M's? ...I'm sorry, we have to cut to commericial. We really don't spend enough time forcing you to watch ads for things you never knew existed and now that you do, don't want to buy. Right, we're back and the answer is. Well, I don't know what the answer is. Do you think I have the time to sit around here and count M&Ms? ...Don't answer that. Anyway, you can buy your own damn M&Ms, and we'll just move on. Next question! How many people do you know who stand in front of their mirror and sing 80s rock ballads by Whitesnake? Hmm... Just me then?

I told you this game was fun. Didn't I?

11-23-03 "The pain, the pain..."

Sick. Sick as a dog. Where did that expression come from? Do dogs get sick? Well, yes they do. Nevermind. I am in so much pain at the moment. My throat hurts so much, so of course I've spent the entire day yelling at people. Mainly my brother, who is at the moment crying really loud in his room. I really wish I didn't have to share a wall with that ass. He's been crying all weekend. His computer game doesn't work. Big deal! My throat doesn't work! I seriously think my problem is more important, but I'll take that up with him. I'll let you guys assume everything is okay. By the way, if I start making weird hand signals tomorrow, you know will know what's wrong, and can begin trying to figure what the hell I'm pointing at. But that all happens tomorrow. For now I'd just like to be able to finish my laundry and sleep peacefully. But of course that will never, ever happen.

Okay, my brother is really freaking me out. He sounds like he's in terrible pain. Yay! Take that!

11-24-03

I want snow for Thanksgiving. Now, I know it isn't exactly a gift giving holiday, but we can break tradition. Or, would we really be continuing tradition? The Pilgrims gave the Indians diseases. So, in the spirit of giving, I would like snow. Doesn't even have to be a lot, just a little. One snowflake would suffice. Honestly it would. Because I am so ready for winter it is not even funny. It needs to come right now. Sure, the season doesn't offically start until December 21st, but I can not wait that long. I just can't.

Last year, we had so much snow that we had a lot of snow days. That was a lot of time to just watch movies and relax. And a lot of time to just take everything in. The sights, the sounds, the smells. I love looking out the window and seeing the neighborhood covered in snow. I loved watching snowflakes fall to the ground. I used spend hours listening to Freshmen by the Verve Pipe. I listened to that song so often during the winter that now, whenever I hear it, I immediately associate it with snow. I like the sound of snow falling. Now I know I sound weird, because you really can't hear it, but if you listen, it definitely sounds different. It's silent. I love the smell of hot chocolate, and the smell of oranges. But most of all I love how snow can stop time. It makes you stop what you're doing and just breathe. I really need to breathe. And I want to watch snow fall and hear the silence.